random thoughts

Saturday night’s all right

After a lot of sleep and an unscheduled day, I’m feeling more like myself. It occurred to me on my easy run today that my engrained tendency to just grit my teeth and bear it (regardless of what “it” is) extends to my reluctance to shape my days in a way that will be best for me. There is some mysterious “they” in my mind, keeping track of how many hours I spend watching TV or counting if I don’t go for a run or if I’m not productive in some way. And that leads to guilt bubbling up under almost everything I do or don’t do. 

I have always had a very structured life. Maybe I’m starting to think about if that structure is helping me or holding me back. That structure has always been defined externally–what I should or should not be doing. The older I get, the more the word “should” sets me off. And yet that word is in the back of my mind all the time. It drives me, it has set my path, and when I’ve eschewed it I’ve been rewarded with heartache and chaos. So it’s scary to break away from it.

I had a moment alone in my apartment this afternoon–J was out so I was alone, looking out over the home we’re building and realizing I was always finding things to fix or clean or improve. And I was brought to tears thinking of how much I had that I’d dreamed about, how I can wake up everyday to the love of my life and have coffee overlooking the ocean, and yet I fixate on the dishes in the dishwasher or the corner of the second bedroom that still isn’t organized. I don’t want to squelsh the part of me that plans and wants things to be better, but doing so without taking a moment to feel the gratitude and awe over where I am and what I have totally negates the hard work and luck it’s taken to get here. When I get tied up in the day-to-day deadlines and to-dos, it’s easy to take so much for granted and overthink.  But I am grateful. I am lucky. I am going to bed.

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